Hubert Humphrey

Senator Hubert Humphrey offered me his twin daughters, and I refused. I was told not to refuse because Senator Humphrey was very powerful at the time, but I refused anyway. Senator Hubert Humphrey wanted to repay me for making him the most powerful person in the country at the time, because President Nixon was essentially a prisoner in the presidency at the time.

Richard Nixon

In 1972, I am the one who busted President Richard Nixon. After that, he was essentially a prisoner in the presidency until his removal from office.

Preadolescents and Adolescents

Preadolescents and adolescents should be warned that too much masturbation can cause chest pains and that they should do things in moderation. They should be told that they should not masturbate more than two or three times a week, because if they do, they will get chest pains and hair might even start growing on their hands.

If God Is Love

If God is love, then God is also hate, because it is possible to love to hate.

Edward Teller

In 1972, I am the one who told Congress to listen to Edward Teller, because he would be able to understand and explain my ideas to Congress.

William F. Buckley, Jr.

In 1972, I told the Republicans in Congress to listen to William F. Buckley, Jr.

Jesse Jackson

In 1972, I told Congress to tell Jesse Jackson to form an organization within the Democratic Party called The Rainbow Coalition. I also told Congress to tell Jesse Jackson that blacks should stop calling each other niggers, and I also said that, if blacks were to learn how to bluff, there is no limit to how high they can go.

Coretta Scott King

In 1972, I told Congress to tell Coretta Scott King that the struggle should be left up to the courts, and that blacks should argue their cases in court. I also said that I thought that Coretta Scott King was sexy.

The Density Effect

The density effect is relative to the density of the medium and the velocity of the fundamental particles that are traveling through the medium. The greater the density of the medium and the greater the velocity of the fundamental particles that are traveling through the medium, the greater the density effect that will be experienced by the fundamental particles that are traveling through the medium.

Political Cartoons

In 1972, I am the one who developed the concept for the "Our Father Was a Liberal" cartoon. I also developed the concept for the U.S.A. as the Frankenstein's Monster cartoon, and I also developed the concept for the cartoon with President Nixon running across the finish line with the horse (representing the U.S.A.) on his back, and I also developed the concept with the ant (representing the poor) under the shoe of the rich saying, "Hi, Rich People, Don't Press Too Hard, Because I Am Alive!" cartoon. I also told Congress that they should protect political cartoonists, because I said that political cartoons are a very powerful medium and that political cartoonists will need protection. I also told government scientists that they should tell cartoonists of all kinds to sell their original cartoons, because people would be eager to buy them.

Muhammad Ali

In 1972, I am the one who told government scientists to tell Muhammad Ali how to beat George Foreman. I told government scientists to tell Muhammad Ali that whenever George Foreman attacked him, he should put his hands in front of his face like a child when a child is being beaten, and George Foreman would not be able to hit him, and if he did not do what I told him to do, George Foreman was going to beat the shit out of him.

Let the Battle Begin

In 1972, I told Congress, "OK, Congress, I think that we probably have everyone now, so it is time to close the doors and let the battle begin in earnest." I also told Congress, "OK, Congress, it is time for miscegenation." And I also told the Congress, "OK, Congress, let the American Experiment begin in earnest."

Fifteen Minutes

All it takes is 15 minutes off the plane and anyone can be American, because what is American about America is what is common to all human beings.

Jewish Termite Mounds

When Jewish termite mounds get disrupted, the Jews say afterwards, "OK, back to work, back to work, back to work!"

Black American Communities

When black American communities get disrupted, the blacks say, "We are not praying hard enough."

White American Communities

When white American communities get disrupted, the white Americans say, "Life is one damn shit after another."

Muslim Communities

When Muslim communities get disrupted, the Muslims say, "Allah is great!"

Chinese Communities

When Chinese communities get disrupted, the Chinese say, "There goes the yin and the yang again."

Indian Communities

When Indian communities get disrupted, the Indians say, "Which god do we pray to this time?"

Japanese Communities

When Japanese communities get disrupted, the Japanese say, "Do we have enough transistors?"

Buddhist Communities

When Buddhist communities get disrupted, the Buddhists say, "We keep forgetting that we are supposed to forget about the world."

Christian Communities

When Christian communities get disrupted, the Christians say, "Christ is surely taking his time."

Jewish Communities

When Jewish communities get disrupted, the Jews say, "Is this in the Bible?"

African Communities

When African communities get disrupted, the Africans say, "Forward to the past."

American Indian Communities

When American Indian communities get disrupted, the American Indians say, "Our ancestors are sleeping on the job again."

West Indian Communities

When West Indian communities get disrupted, the West Indians say, "It is because we can't do anything right."

Russian Communities

When Russian communities get disrupted, the Russians say, "Pour the vodka, and call the Kremlin."

French Communities

When French communities get disrupted, the French say, "We are French, therefore, we should be exempt from stuff like this."

German Communities

When German communities get disrupted, the Germans say, "It is because we are not pure enough."

British Communities

When British communities get disrupted, the British say, "We are British, how dare God do this to us?"

Spanish Communities

When Spanish communities get disrupted, the Spaniards say, "It is because we ran out of gold."

Portuguese Communities

When Portuguese communities get disrupted, the Portuguese say, "It is because we sat on our asses for centuries."

Italian Communities

When Italian communities get disrupted, the Italians say, "It is because we are too close to the Vatican."

Dutch Communities

When Dutch communities get disrupted, the Dutch say, "It is because the world benefited more from our concept of tolerance than we did."

Greek Communities

When Greek communities get disrupted, the Greeks say, "It is because sodomy and Christianity don't mix."

Swiss Communities

When Swiss communities get disrupted, the Swiss say, "Only time will tell."

Latin American Communities

When Latin American communities get disrupted, the Latin Americans say, "It is because we lack and need good dictators."

Scandinavian Communities

When Scandinavian communities get disrupted, the Scandinavians say, "Superior? Superior to what?"

Belgian Communities

When Belgian communities get disrupted, the Belgians say, "It is because nobody knows a damn thing about us."

Eastern European Communities

When Eastern European communities get disrupted, the Eastern Europeans say, "It is because everybody thinks that we are stupid."

Australian Communities

When Australian communities get disrupted, the Australians say, "It is because we are down under."

New Zealand Communities

When New Zealand communities get disrupted, the New Zealanders say, "We are not worried, because the earth's magnetic field is going to flip someday."

Canadian Communities

When Canadian communities get disrupted, the Canadians say, "It is because there is a big gorilla to the South of us."

Turkish Communities

When Turkish communities get disrupted, the Turks say, "It is because our country has the same name as a stupid bird."

Mexican Communities

When Mexican communities get disrupted, the Mexicans say, "Montezuma was more powerful than we thought."

Hawaiian Communities

When Hawaiian communities get disrupted, the Hawaiians say, "It is because luaus have lost their significance for us."

Keith N. Ferreira (Author)
http://philophysics.com